Results of the Sympathetic Other Woman Survey

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Survey 1 "Robin"
and
these are the pictures she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? Dee was the best friend of my now ex husband, he would come around, day after day to make sure I was ok for my husband was a very abusive man. We would all play Dominoes at my kitchen table and he would see how sad I was. He could tell I needed someone to show they cared. I felt he was my hero as he would sit and talk to me and teach me that no women should go thru such abuse. He was a man of color and I never would have dreamed of an interracial realtionship up till then and I fell in love with this married man. He convinced me to to leave my husband and he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after.

How long did it last? We moved in together and lived together for 6 months of total happiness, at least I thought it was happiness on my end. It is now 5 years later and I still see him.

How did it end? He left me 6 months later to be with a much older women whom had more money and a great job. We still see each other at least once a week, and are still intimate.

Had he done it before? It was clear to me he has done this before, but I seen past his discretions and didnt care.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? Yes, I knew her we would all get together and play dominoes.

Did you ever contact his wife? She confronted me, and I told her yes I had been seeing him. even tho he never wanted me to reveal we were seeing each other.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? No, it was the other way around, still is to this day, when he needs soemthing he comes to me.

What did he promise you? He promised never to lay a hand on me, a prmomise he has kept.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? I would have married him, but I never got the chance.

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? Yes, but the warmth of a gentle touch and no beatings always won over the guilt.

Did you date others whlie you were seeing him? I didnt at the time, but I do now.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Make sure you can trust him to be there.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? I would say, it has happened once, it will happen again. Remember it isn't you that done something wrong. Try to keep things spicey, and suprise him with new and interesting things.

Why do you think men have affairs? Men bore easily, and its the thrill of the chase and the thought of doing something wrong or even getting caught that makes an affair more meaningful, once caught out in the open they will stop that particular affair. But I beleive they will search for another thrill.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? He wold come to my house when my husband was working and his wife was working.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? Yes, but they were more shocked over him being a man of color than the affair itself.

What did you learn from this experience? We are all men or women first, some can be doctors some can be homelss and some can be abused like I was ,we are still men and women first. The need for love and excitement will always be there for men and women alike.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? called her after it happened to apologoze, but she didn't want to hear it. next year his new girldfriend called and apologized to me.

Did you ever contact his wife? he and his wife had children together. i did not know he was still married to her. i do not know if he was in contact with her or his exgirlfriends. everything was lies. i wanted to clear the air, get to the bottom of the truth. we had twin children together, it was a shock to his wife. although she was in contact with his mother and family, they hadn't told her about us at all. No one had told me they were still married, not our friends or his family. I called her to clear the air, to stop the lying. My children and hers are 1/2 brothers and sisters, but she said she didn't want to have anything to do with us. I hope that she said these things reactively out of anger, and i hope someday she changes her mind and stops living in a bubble.

Did he have any kids? yes. didn't see them or his wife. didn't tell me he was still married

Did he spend a lot of money on you? he spent money on me i didn't know should have been going to support his children. then he started drinking more and the money started disappearing. and so did he.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? i didn't know he was married. i don't think marriage is necessary to love someone and be with them, and it certainly doesn't keep some people from being unfaithful or running away. i just wish he had told me the truth.

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? i didn't realize the truth. i am embarassed that i was so naive. i should have contacted his wife sooner.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? it depends on the person. some people cheat on each other. some people have different standards of what the relationship is. But lying is bad, it creates a difficult atmosphere and lots of stress, its especially bad for children to be raised in a repressive atmosphere. they know there's something wrong but can't name it. i wouldn't trust a person who i knew was having an affair.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? don't trust them, he may tell you anything you want to hear to keep you, he may even believe it. stay connected with your girlfriends and family, talk about it openly. don't become subjective to your emotions, then he may have more of a chance to manipulate you. you may feel like its your fault but it isn't. get away for a while and disconnect, find a place which is supportive.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? he would stay at my house on the weekends, when the children were born we lived in a small house for a year together, then he started going out and not coming back.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? i told them after, i kept his abusiveness a secret for a long time because i thought it was my fault or something. not talking about it is a bad thing. he controlled every situation we were in. then when i told them they blamed me, you know, "why did you let this happen to yourself?"; they were not supportive or helpful emotionally at all. they said they couldn't believe he would do that, he seemed like such a nice guy. he had them all fooled. i was embarassed and ashamed. i had to rehash everything that had happened and produce proof for them to listen to me, if they ever did. it hurt all over again.

What did you learn from this experience? more scared of people than i was before. some people are easily fooled. some people are extrememly selfish. there are no words to describe how messed up some people can be. i learned alot about people and the way they work, i wish it wasn't like this.

Survey 3 "Jean"
and
these are the pictures she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? Casual conversation over drinks with several of my co-workers.

How did it end? He and his wife separated after 5 years and subsequently divorced, we married a year later and were married for almost 9 years until he died unexpectedly.

Would you do it again? It would depend totally on the person and the circumstance.

Had he done it before? Yes, he told me he had had a very brief affair once before. I believed him. I assume it was true but I didn't investigate.

Did he have any kids? He had two children who were 9 and 5 at the time. He originally intended to stay married until his youngest child turned 18. He was far more "married" to his career than his family.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? I didn't know her, met her only once and never really "got to know" her. We eventually developed a type of "truce" when their oldest child came to live with us after our marriage. I invited her to come here for the funeral with the children, which she did.

Did you ever contact his wife? I never contacted her, although she contacted me once after he had moved out. It was quite an ugly phone call during which she called me every name in the book. I told her I didn't feel name-calling was necessary and didn't speak with her again until her mother passed away and she asked me to tell her child who was living with us at the time.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? No, he didn't spend "a lot" of money on me. I paid my own rent, supported myself as usual. He occasionally gave me small gifts. It was not about money.

What did he promise you? He never really promised me anything and I didn't ask for any promises. It was really much more about having someone to talk with and having someone to listen to you.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? When we first began, I had no desire to marry him. I didn't even intend to have an affair but we were so in sync from the first, it was almost inevitable. Eventually, I did want to marry him and, in fact, we stopped seeing each other for approximately 9 months at one point because I didn't want to continue the relationship if it was going nowhere. I never pressed him to divorce because I didn't want it coming back on me down the road sometime. If he was going to leave, it was going to be completely his decision.

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? I don't know if "guilty" is the right word. Sure, I wished there was a way that this could work out without anyone being hurt. I worried about his kids but once he separated, I worked hard to make sure he maintained a relationship with his kids (and, in fact, their relationship was greatly improved because of my insistence).

Did you date others whlie you were seeing him? No but I also wasn't dating anyone for some time before him either.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Stay fairly independent. His family will still have him on holidays, vacations, etc. Retain your own life. Don't expect "happily ever after". Take it for what it is...a diversion. If it turns out to be more, be pleasantly surprised.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? Find out what's missing in your relationship. I'd venture to say affairs are rarely "about" sex. That's simply the manifestation the problem takes. Talk - a lot - and try not to judge. Be honest about your feelings and be ready to accept his honesty about his. Get counseling. Don't assume it's "your fault" and don't lay it all on him. There's probably enough "blame" to go around. If you want to fix it, whose fault it is doesn't matter. It's about working on the root problem.

Why do you think men have affairs? I think both men and women have affairs because there isn't enough communication in their marriages. It's about feeling "special", about being appreciated, about having someone to talk with and someone to listen to you. We would spend far more time talking than we ever spent in bed.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? We met at my apartment pretty much daily from the first time we had dinner together. We spent five hours over dinner - just talking.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? I didn't tell anyone for quite some time until it became quite apparent. I didn't tell my family but they eventually figured it out. They certainly didn't "approve" but I didn't get any active resistance from them. We didn't really discuss it much. Most of the people I talked with were co-workers. They all knew him and liked him from before.

What did you learn from this experience? You can't really control who you love. I think there are two distinctly different types of "affairs", those that are purely physical and those that are deeper. You can always say "no".

Survey 4 "Kendy

this is the picture she picked to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? We met at a night club had a few drinks and had some great conversation.

Had he done it before? Yes..and no I don't because I caught him cheating on me!

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? Met her in passing at the health club

Did you ever contact his wife? When I broke up with him I called her and told her everything..I felt she had a right to know what a rat fink he was

Did he spend a lot of money on you? Yes..he bought extravagant jewelry and took me to the islands several times.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? No marraige..just continue our affair

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? don't..it's not worth it.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? Kick his ass out

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? my friends knew and all told me I would get burnt in the end.

Survey 5 "Donna"
and
these are the images she chose to best decribe her experience

How did your relationship begin? We were both in San Francisco, free spirits, traveling, he had left his wife and a son; I had a brolen relationship with a man I loved and hoped to marry. It hurt so much to be so close yet so far so for me the best thing to do was revove my self from the area. I did.

How long did it last? 13 years, till he cheated on me and a new born daughter.

How did it end? We did everything together, the baby came I stayed home he was out one day and a female he met offered him to let her do him I suppose; and he didn't strut home to me and our new family. He did her, came walking in the apt with wet hair. I said Tom, who is she? He said Mary. I said are you going to see her again? He said, I don't know. I said, wrong answer, See Ya ! I always had a philosophy if a man hits you twice or cheats on you 2ce, he'll do it again. Being I really don't like to be abused either are unacceptable behavior...I didn't feel like the other women when we met because they had broken down and seperated before I met him. though as far as I know he never divorced. Had he been living with her, or they were legally married and living close enough to fix it I don't believe I would have gotten involved. I am not the otrher woman type and believe do un to others as you would hope they would do un to you. A ewomans husband is a womans husband. I wouldn't want another woman coming on to my husband but its ultimately his responsibality what does or does not happen.

Would you do it again? circumstances the same. Him in San Francisco her in Wisconsin, and seperated by distance;seperated, yes.

Had he done it before? I don't recall it was 28 years ago I left him, I don't think he had that he told me about anyway.

Did he have any kids? He had a young son; who he talked loving of and missed.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? No

Did you ever contact his wife? Through these years being that tom and I had a daughter I would have loved to had nade contact his son is my daughter step brother. I always felt about him as my step son in my heart and I think about him from time to time.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? We lived together, we were young hippies at the time money wasn't a commidity; love was. Or at least what we found together and called love...we had a love child, and I'm greatful he made me a mother. never had any more children.

What did he promise you? He made no promises nor did I I quess they were implied I would not have cheated.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? I would have stayed maybe had another child but when he "did" MARY; he became a real poor risk.
I was very hurt and had a baby to think of not him and the hurt he brought me- I traveled off again....Just realizing that was a good cure for me. It always worked...it's dangerous for a man to do this to the woman in his life he risks giving her diseases she's more susceptable then he is in catching.

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? No, well maybe I did think of his son but he was free to go back to them any time he needed to.

Are you still in contact with him? No we talked a few times by phone, mail then no more. I raised my daughter alone until I met the man I married when she was 5; He was daddy, and a great one.

Did you date others whlie you were seeing him? No it was a relationship I never thought of it as an affair

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? What good is he?

Why do you think men have affairs? I think its a lack of morals, respect for his wife and himself and most likely love of the thrill but the thrills with your mate can be alkot more satisfying, thrilling and generating a love that grows richer by strength of fait, commitment and trust; its the ultimate why settle for less?

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? We shared our lives as a couple

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? I was away from home I may of but it was the way it was...I'm sure my mother said, Donna he's married and I'm sure I said Mom, he was married he was seperated and 2000 miles away when I met him.

What did you learn from this experience? It was a blessing to have my daughter what I wanted even more then being a wife was being a mother. Today I'm widowed can't be a mother and ache to be a wife again but with a cheatin husband.... no way. I would hope the man I love would be moral, decent and kind enough to me not to have so little respect for us/ for me.

Survey 6 "Karin"

this is the image she chose to best describe her feelings

How did your relationship begin? In 1998, I submitted a guestbook entry on a WWII website, regarding my father's participation in the war. Weeks later, I received an email about my entry, inquiring further about my father's landing craft on D-Day, etc. A man was writing a book about my father's specific branch in the army. What began as an interviewing-type correspondence, later developed into daily email chatter about our own lives... this form of communicating went on for a year and a half, until one day, he asked if he could call... We surprised each other by speaking for nearly two hours, on the phone. And one night, he decided he was going to come meet me in person... and I decided to also meet him... No one was certain how it would turn out, really. But we were shocked at the intense chemistry we experienced at first meet, something I am still not quite over, as I had never in my life experienced before, such passion. And had never been so surprised before, that so much profound passion could exist within me. He felt the same. We were both so stunned. And from that point onward, our lives changed and revolved around this passion and intimacy, neither of us wanted to let go of...
He moved in with me that first summer. But the wife, who at first threatened to toss him out of her life forever, due to severe issues with their sexual life, now began to beg and plead with him to come back to her -that she was sorry, and would try to be more "available" to him "that" way. She wrote me and asked, "what kind of a woman are you? I want my husband back! Your union will never be blessed!" She had her pastor write me, who told me the entire parish was praying for the wife, and that I was being deceived and no good would come of our relationship, etc., etc. My friends, too, were against it, as was my mother, my teen son, and his teen daughter. Suddenly, it seemed the entire universe was frowning upon what started as such heavenly bliss. It was the worse possible foundation to begin a relationship, apparently...

How long did it last? We carried on for nearly six years, off and on, due to his circumstances, mostly. He separted from his wife, but not really. He simply moved down the street from her, and continues to see her, the daughter, and their dog, almost daily. After the fourth year of this state of things, I began a relationship with an old flame... which turned out poorly, as I couldn't help but notice the serious lack of sexual compatibility that I had enjoyed with my married (now separated) lover... so I ended that relationship, only to find... my passionate lover was still in limbo... separated... but still in limbo... "seeing" the wife (but not sleeping with her -being a staunch Christian, she refused him the privilege until he denounced me publicly before their church fellowship. He refused, and so was excommunicated). But neither did he ever reinvent his relationship with me. He continues in limbo, and we both toy with seeing each other again, from time to time...
But he now assures me we could never "grow old together" unless I convert to his faith. And even then, does not guarantee me a future of any kind, really... but will consider sleeping with me, if I am open to that, still...

How did it end? I'm not sure if it's ended. We both tried to "end" it, by seeing other people - but were both unsuccessful with our newly-developed attempts at such happiness... we met again recently, after a year apart. And the fiery passion was still there. Which again, surprised us both. As I believe we were both hoping it had gone away, to make this story less complicated, once and for all. But it did not go away...
And now we are both in limbo.
But really, I am in limbo. Because he is...

Would you do it again? I would. Because I never had a love or a passion like that, and I had had many lovers in my lifetime -but this... this was something else. Something I never knew existed -why I never married. Because I had never felt strongly enough, sexually, for any man before this encounter. And now, I had found my sexual equal, at long last. But sadly, with all the baggage and complications already mentioned...

Had he done it before? He admitted he had had two affairs, prior to ours, in his 20 year marriage. But also admitted, he felt more passion with me, than anyone else prior. Both previous affairs were short-lived, ending within a year. The wife was aware of them both, and did everything in her power to keep her husband at her side. All was well enough, until he wrote an email one day... and his third affair began, upon our first physical meet.
Previous to this, the wife had threatened to "end" it all with him, so he took her up on that threat. But once he moved in with me, the pleas and beckoning to come back home began...

Did he have any kids? He has a teen daughter, the same age as my son.
Both teens rebelled against our union, and it made things very difficult, indeed. My son didn't want him living with us, and his daughter decided she never wanted him living back in their home again, though the wife did want that specifically. So he went to live with his parents, and is there still... but really, MUCH closer to the wife's home, than to mine. I do not have easy access to him, at all. For the parents are also against him seeing me, and I am not welcomed in their neighborhood, let alone their home... they have never met me, and say they don't wish to. He has met my parents, my friends, my son... but his life and family is off-limits to me, and kept private and protected.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? No, I never knew or met the wife. As mentioned above, she wrote me an ominous letter when our affair first began and pretty much placed the blame squarely on me. She also accused her husband of being "weak", and said the same regarding his past two affairs. That he was "weak", and seduced by stronger, more powerful women. Now she was accusing me, while appealing to his sensitivities to come back to her. She wrote to him offering to change... he was in tears at this point, and so frustrated, that I guess he figured staying with his parents was middle ground enough. But not really, as it's a ground not open to me. But always open now, to the wife...

Did you ever contact his wife? I decided not to respond to her harsh letter, as I did not seduce her husband away from her, as she claimed. She had her pastor write me also, and to his letter, I did respond. After I wrote him, pouring out my heart and soul... he turned more compassionate towards me. But not to my lover. He scolded him severely. And it just seemed odd to me that the wife remained untainted and blameless for anything, and really, held up as a saint, in all this... though she admitted in pleading letters to her husband that she was guilty of withholding sex. And so, to this end, the pastor recommended sex therapy for them both, and counseling. But they had gone for counseling before... and my lover was NOT opened to "sex therapy". I guess I was his therapy choice...
The thing is, the wife was a virgin when they met, and had never had another lover besides him. He was merely 22 when they married, and she was 29.
She was the main breadwinner, and he was often en thrall to her directives. Which later turned into a withholding pattern concerning their sex lives, as well... these things he began to reveal after writing to me for over a year. After our first passionate meet, he never again revealed much to me about his wife again, as now the subject had become too sensitive -and he often expressed "guilt" over "betraying" her...
I tried to explain that he, too, had been "betrayed" by a sexless marriage. But his religious values spoke loudest of all, and he reminded me often that a Christian marriage is indissoluble...

Did he spend a lot of money on you? He did not spend money on me, but spent money to SEE me. I spent much, much more, on our relationship, forgetting my own son, at times, and to invest in my own livelihood, which was now faltering. But I considered our relationship an investment, and so poured money into it... believing in a workable outcome, one fine day. That day never did arrive...

What did he promise you? I'm not sure he promised me anything, except to work as a "team", when he first came to me. That I believed in. But when the circumstances overpowered our "team" effort... well, there was no other grand statement ever made again that even eked of a promise...

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? I did want to marry him. I asked him when he first moved in with me, and I had never asked a man before. Ever. They had always asked me...
But I did not want to continue on as "the other woman", scorned by all. I did not "press" him to divorce, so neither did he press for it. And if I did come close to "pressing", he rejected the notion, and scolded me severely for interfering with his own mind and will... so it was a delicate matter left best unaddressed. Because that's how he wanted it, and how we came to be in limbo...
I loved him enough to allow him to make up his mind, if and ever... but I was in such pain, that often my feelings were apparent -that I was wobbling in my steadfastness and commitment to him, as my one true love...

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? No, until he told me that HE felt guilty...
Then I did, too.
But when he left her, and parachuted into my life... I prayed for his wife, as I felt sad for her. Until I received her stern letter. Then I stopped praying for her, as she had the entire parish praying for her anyway. But no one was praying for me... anywhere on earth....

Are you still in contact with him? I had not seen him in well over a year, and we stopped communicating completely for nearly half a year, recently, as mentioned above... but I wrote to him first, after my "rebound" relationship failed. And it turned out, his rebound also failed... we agreed to meet again, just two weeks ago, after so long apart... and the magic was still there. I am currently waiting for him to return once more, this summer... and who knows how that will go, and what words and feelings will be exchanged again. We are both keeping our "feelings" in check, this go 'round. Why complicate the incredible sex with exclamations of love, this time? that was just too painful, to lose... but how does a woman separate sex from love... especially after loving someone so long, so deeply? this is the stage it's at now...at least for me...

Did you have an abortion or a child with him? I had a miscarriage two years ago, that I went through alone, got myself to the hospital, etc. We knew there were problems, I was bleeding, etc. But for some reason, didn't think I could be pregnant.
He left for home, and another long absence, when later I told him about it -that I had gone through this alone... It seems it was felt that it was for the best, on both sides...

Did you date others whlie you were seeing him? I did not date anyone for the first two years... but after so many long absences the second year, dallied with an old lover (not intercourse), and began to date other men by the third year, but never slept with anyone until we broke off the fourth year. Only to find, there was no magic in that.. and began to pine again, for him....

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Because I didn't consider this an affair (at first), and because he left his marriage to move in with me -I was confused by its outcome, as I assumed the marriage was over. I didn't bank on the wife holding on, after her threats to end it. But when she held on, he held on. And I kept holding on, too... then it was an affair, because after four years, he never did go through with the divorce, and continues to live "separated" from her, but more so, separated from me. So my advice is this: if you realize you are considering an affair, that is, if you are already married to someone else (as I was not), then go in with your eyes opened, but watch your heart. Keep strong tabs on it.
If you find you are involved in something that wasn't supposed to be an "affair", but turns into one -then I think it's difficult to say, "give him an ultimatum", if you are deeply in love with him. Because you love him enough, to allow him to make up his mind. But don't forget to love yourself, too. As you will suffer, until he does. And will suffer more, if it's not you -when he finally decides...
There is always a risk, in any relationship. And when people consider affairs, I guess there is always a reason for them. But again, I was not married, and so had no one else to "fall back" on, when he did... it was so much more painful, for me. And I guess I lost a lot, in the waiting, as much of my life fell apart, when I was so mesmerized by "the hope"...

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? A wife? I would just say to her: "Consider yourself lucky that he walked down that aisle with you, promising to you under the eyes of God, to love you always, when you were wearing that silk veil and swathed in white... that he MADE such a promise, be thankful for that. That he considered you so worthy. And be thankful that he spent so much of his life, at your side, and as your companion, through all of life's hardships. That he was THERE, more often than not. Be thankful that he chose YOU to bear his child, to sleep next to, at night... and for so long... be thankful for all those years... because some people spend all their lives without such comforts, without such wondrous companionship. The things you took for granted, are golden to those of us whose karma left us alone, night after night, year after year after year... and if your husband strayed, for whatever reason (often sexual), think what a gift it was to be able to simply turn over to someone at night, and he reach out to you... when some of us have NO prospects of such luxury, and toil through the years without a human touch, let alone expect someone to help with the dishes, or drive us somewhere, or be there to wipe a tear or two away... think of your great blessed luck, to have had all that. And if he strays... think not that some other woman "stole" him from you... but that you had treasures manifold, that were to be "honored" and held in reverence... as you also promised to do so, on your joyous wedding day....

Why do you think men have affairs? Men have affairs for sexual intimacy not granted at home. I know this was missing in his marriage, because even the wife admitted to him she was wrong to have withheld, and promised to never do so again. On the other hand, she won't take him back, unless he swears me off forever. But also, because his daughter doesn't want him living back home with them. So it's a strange quagmire. The wife wants him back, but with certain conditions. As he made certain conditions for me (to convert).
The sex was missing, in his marriage.
With me, religion is missing, and other commonalities, he says...
Apparently, I provided the sex, and some travel adventures he had never had, and dinners and entertainment... I guess you could say I was his entertainment center.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? We first met at a hotel, of my choosing. Then, he moved in for the summer. But left for home again, due to all the pleading from the wife to return, and to sort things out, with her. After that, I went to him. And we met up again as often as we could, considering the distance of our homes. It was never "regular", because it was too difficult. But we did the best we could, the first year, and really did quite good... which turned out to be the most often of meets, considering what followed, and the long absences in the years to come...

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? Most everyone I knew, met him. Family and friends alike. But very few liked him. Mostly because, he was not divorced, and they felt he was "leading" me on, so judged him harshly, based on that. When he alerted those in my world that he was now separated, they still did not soften towards him, as they all felt that was not good enough. And they were upset with me, for thinking it was good enough...

What did you learn from this experience? Learn? I have learned that my karma is too heavy to bear, sometimes... and I would have thought that by now, God would have smiled more kindly on me, for once. I thought God had put this man in my life for a reason. A reason of Compassion. Now, I have no idea what the godly reason was... and when I cry out to Him, and ask WHY, why must I endure so much pain, still? The only answer I ever get is: "Where were you when I made the world?"

Survey 7 "Colette"
and
these are the pictures she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? he answered an ad I placed for NSA sex...we were each thinking of leaving our five yr+ LTRs at the time, but I thought that (like me) he had never been married and had no children. we were both mid-30's.
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How did it end? he moved, I found out he was married, I found out he was not ready to leave, we amivilated, I pulled the plug but acted on his lead.

Would you do it again? it was the best sex and biggest roamnce I had ever had, but I never would have been as open had I known how unavailable (married) he was. I wouldn't give up the experience, but the experience would not have existed if I'd known what I was getting myself into. by the time I knew, it was too late.

Had he done it before? he said he'd slept with other women but had never had an emotional connection. I have no idea if it was true and never will.

Did he have any kids? he has a five year old daughter and he said that her happiness superceeded his own. yes: it matters. I love her daddy, but she needs him more than I do!

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? no to both, but Ken never claimed worse than she didn't like sex and was not passionate.

Did you ever contact his wife? His wife is smarter, more beautiful and more accomplished than me. She is a hard worker and a good mother and deserves more from her husband. If they end it, I hope that it is while she is still young and beautiful. I would never have contacted her and hope that either she never finds out or that finding out (I guess that there will be other women) helps their marriage become stronger.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? if he really were ready for a seperation, I would have wanted to continue with an eye to marriage. he did not leave, so he was not ready. I would never press someone to leave a woman and child for me, but had he left, I would have been there.

Are you still in contact with him? I think not. I would read mail if he sent it, but I know better than to contact him.

Did you have an abortion or a child with him? we used condoms but if I had become pregnant I would have wanted the child. I fantasized about the life of Hester Prynne. a lot.

Did you date others whlie you were seeing him? yes! I wanted to meet someone to distract my interest once I knew how doomed it was between me and the man I fell in love with. wish it had worked!

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? expect nothing -- it's hopeless. only for those with the heart of a man or are resigned to live their life alone.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? it has nothing to do with your value as a woman--it has to do with your relationship. his disrespect was shown indirectly probably because you wear the pants more than you think. find support from other women who have been through it.

Why do you think men have affairs? he said sex, but who knows...maybe that was a lie too. maybe it was just novelty, excitment in risk, and fighting against the mid-life crisi when he resented that all he worked so hard to build was going to carry him along a predictable life to the grave...that his choices were behind him with his youth.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? motel, deserted public places, hotel, and my apt--once I'd left my LTR.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? my therapist, my sister, my boyfriend (now ex) and very few friends. they were all supportive as they saw my suffering and I belive they understood how alienated I felt already, but no one expressed hope about my future with Ken.

What did you learn from this experience? humility. the allure of affair to the other woman (intensely passionate physical and emotional highs). that I do not want to live my life in this way.

Survey 8 "Pam"

this is the picture she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? We work at the same company and through shared activities I became friends with him and his wife. His marriage wasn't going well so I started being a confidant to him and her and we started talking about how well we got along and how it would have been great to date if we were single ( I'm married too ) - we were drinking at the time. That was step one. Then we started carpooling and talking more and then whenever we drank together things would get progressively worse. But each time we said that that was it.

Had he done it before? Yes, and I know it is true -- i.e. this is as far as he's gone towards infidelity with a woman.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? yes, we were becoming close friends and I was a support to her.

What did he promise you? nothing. It was all mutual. We supported each other in our marital problems and we got physically closer as time went on.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? I hated it the entire time but I was so unhappy that I needed it more than I hated it. We mentioned once that if our marriages didn't last more than 2 years that we would get together after that.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Do not do it. Now that it's over and I'm trying to heal my marriage ( my husband knows ) - it makes fixing the problems we had before the affair much more difficult because I had this fantastic - unreal - connection with someone else and I can only see the failings in my spouse in comparison. I am very depressed and every time I see his wife I feel like trash. I've never been trash and I never saw myself as such, but I'm reminded of how far I sunk every time I see her and I just fall into depression. There is NO support for those of us who fall from grace. But I know I'm not the only one out there who is mainly a good person and who made this huge mistake. My marriage was in the garbage and instead of sitting my husband down and discussing the problems and temptations I had I got angry and sad and went to someone else for relief from my pain. Well, that had now created more pain and suffering than I ever thought imaginable. Men can get past these things much easier than women. It's been a year now and even with a husband who supports and loves me to distraction through all this I am depressed and lost. There is always another way. And the easiest path always heads down into the darkest, lonliest hole..

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? If he is not willing to end it then move out until he can put your needs first. Every wife deserves to be first in her husband's heart and no excuse can be made to get around that. And know this, once a person cheats male or female then temptation is very strong to do it again as it's such a rush and such a great way to get away from your problems. Marriage is hard but during the hard times you have to remain honest and open with each other. As soon as the communication barriers go down then there is vulnerablity and it's much easier to lie and justify an affair.

Why do you think men have affairs? Men have affairs because it makes things easy and it makes them feel attractive. I personally think many men have affairs for the same reason women do. Their marriages are in the toilet and then need an escape from all the misery they have at home.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? Car, our homes as our spouses weren't around much.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? Yes, parent and best friends. They were very sad but supportive of me because they knew the mess my marriage was in. They didn't condone my actions but they listened.

What did you learn from this experience? We are all challenged in life when we are weak. And if we do not have a strong moral code we can fall under the temptation to gain some happiness from something completely wrong. I have learned that I am human and that that excuses nothing. I have also learned that your spouse can handle more than you think and that you are not obligated to protect your spouse from the bad that may interfere with the growth and health of a marriage.

Survey 9 "Jerri"

these are the pictures she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? I sent a valentine via fax to several single & married men. The others were great about returning the valentine. He took it as a personal act from me.

How did it end? I was tired of him saying "dont' give up on me" I'll be free soon.

Would you do it again? No. At least I hope I would be smart enough not to fall into that trap again.

Had he done it before? He never said he hadn't done it before. I think it was a way of life with him and his best friend. His best friend was married to wife #2, butstill having sex with wife #1. Tom would cover for him while he was with wife #1. Tom;s wife had been pretty well off until she married him and he spent all her money and ruined her credit. I think I was going to be a new start. I had some money and good credit.

Did he have any kids? I child 12 and three step childred, 2 grown and one 14. Tom's best friend told him if he was staying for the 12 years old, he was staying for the wrong reason.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? I did not know her.

Did you ever contact his wife? When I found out that this was how he lived his ife I tried to become friends with her. All she wanted was to keep her man. I tried to contact her because a man needs to be stopped when they are married and looking for something on the side. Three years later they were divorced.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? At first he spent alot of money, but pretty soon it became less and less.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? I was divorced and thought I should be married. So I guess I would have married him.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Don't do it.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair?
Don't blame the girlfriend, blame him. If you want to keep him ride it out.

Why do you think men have affairs? I think men get tired of the same old thing and a new woman is exciting.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? At hotels, my place, etc. At first it was pretty often and then it slowed down.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? I told one friend. I did not want my relatives to know.

Survey 10 "Lisa"
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these are the pictures she chose to best describe her experience

How did your relationship begin? We were introduced by a friend when we were both out of town for work. We connected straight away but as friends rather than lustfully. He was living with his family but he and his wife were discussing how best to split up. We lived in different towns and only met every three or four months. Most of it was talk on the phone. One time we met up (about two months after we met) and he seduced me (of course I didn't resist) and then we both knew we shouldn't have done it. We didn't see each other again for some time.

How long did it last? About a few months, it was awful lying and sneaking around, and more so because we actually really liked one another. The sex was not possible because we both felt wrong about it. We ended it and didn't see each other for about 6 months, as we both had to sort out what were doing, and didn't want to keep going behind each others back. We are now living together.

How did it end? As above and then he and his wife split formally, divorced and he lived alone for some months before calling me again. We began dating a few months later. Long distance.

Would you do it again? No way! I would run screaming over the horizon. The thing is I really knew better, and neither of us got anything out of the deception except heart ache.

Had he done it before? He told me that he had had a fling with another woman, who I have met, during a 6 month separation from his wife (initiated by her and about 7 years before we met). I believe him. He ended it when he and his wife agreed to reconcile. It's true by all accounts.

Did he have any kids? He has three kids in their early to late teens at the time we met. That was one of the worst parts, as kids are almost like hostages in shitty marriages and affairs. He never said he was staying "for the kids" because he knows that is a bullshit statement if all the kids live in is hostility and alienation. But he didn't want to lose them, and I think he had convinced himself that things couldn't really be better. His wife said that fantasies of happy magical love were just that. Everyone was miserable in that house. His wife hated him (ask anyone), I think she was threatened.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? No. I still don't know her.

Did you ever contact his wife? No I never did contact her. In a way, I really felt bad for her and that no matter how bad their relationship supposedly was, she was still the wronged party. Although I did question things that she said (and says) to the kids about the impact they had on the relationship.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? No, not really. No more than any other boyfriend in terms of dinners or small gifts, and I think we both wanted to avoid "mistress syndrome".

What did he promise you? Nothing. He never really lied about anything (even me as it turned out)

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? At first I thought it would be a convenient "virtual relationship" as I had been heartbroken by my recent break-up. I thought we would catch up occasionally, and have a nice dinner and then say bye! I actually told him that if he wanted to stay with his wife and kids then he owed it to himself (and them) to work it out, but he already knew it was over. He just couldn't get the guts to do it. His wife kept saying "we should split up and just get on with it" but she changed her tune. I did tell him that if he made the decision to leave he should divorce and finalise it. Either way "make a choice"

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? All the time. That's why we stopped.

Did you date others while you were seeing him? My ex wanted to reconcile once he realised that I was seeing someone else. I dated him, as I didn't want to break up in the first place.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Don't do it. And if you do, don't expect to have any rights. It's not worth the guilt and shame if you actually like or love the person, which invariably comes because that's how the world sees affairs. I can't understand transactional sex affairs, because the idea don't turn me on, but if that's what you want to do, then at least have safe sex because for sure there are others involved.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? What am I? Crazy? If I knew her really well I would ask her what she thought was going on in her relationship that was lending itself to him having an affair? I would advise her to confront the issue and not ignore it. Unless of course that's what they wanted. I would probably tell her not to blame the other woman, and really ask the husband what was going on for him. If it was a woman that I didn't know well, I would probably stay out of it and tell her to talk to a counsellor if she couldn't bring it up with her husband.

Why do you think men have affairs? Lots of reasons, some are compulsive liars and need to have "novel" sex or have commitment issues where they don't want to admit that they have a grown up relationship. I think for most people they feel lonely in a relationship and that the complexity and day-to-day stuff gets stifling or overwhelming and they want some "fresh air" or someone to be adoring. For some reason they find this easier to get outside of their marriages. Maybe they have tried with their wives and maybe they are not capable of real intimacy. In my case, Bart felt no affection or respect and that his wife really despised him. He felt that they had never been in love and were more like flatmates than partners. She saw him as a father/provider. I gave him friendship, some intimacy (in keeping with the fact that this was an unreal relationship), affection and a kick in the arse about what he was doing with his life and the lives of five others.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? Randomly met if he travelled to where I lived.We used to stay at my place, although we did stay in hotels too. Maybe every three months a couple of times. It definitely was not about the sex.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? I told my mother. She was philosophical about it, because I suppose she knows me. I told a few friends and they warned me to be careful, but they also knew that I had not let it continue as an affair.

What did you learn from this experience? Before you live in the moment, think about how things will affect you in various scenarios of the future. There are lots of cliches about affairs and married men, but really we are all just blundering through this world. In the end you have to be able to live with yourself and the repercussions of your actions. We have a very special connection and love and I wish that it wasn't spoilt by the mess it came out of. I never expected to find someone I could be really loved by, and whom I could really love.

How did your relationship begin? We were friends for a long time - and started working together

How long did it last? 6 years

How did it end? quietly - I talked about how unhappy I was with the relationship and that as my sons were leaving home - I didn't want to be alone. And he was not there for me - I couldn't wait

Would you do it again? No.

Had he done it before? he said he had never done this before - yes, I believed him but his wife phoned me and told me that he had

Did he have any kids? yes - 3 kids (10, 19. 21) He said he was staying married for the kids.

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? I knew her already

Did you ever contact his wife? she contacted me several times

Did he spend a lot of money on you? yes - on gifts, trips and dates

What did he promise you? nothing - just vague innuendos about leaving his wife

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? marriage - yes, I did pressure him but subtly

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? Always.

Are you still in contact with him? yes

Did you have an abortion or a child with him? no

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? It's not worth the lonliness and isolation.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? dump him - he's untrustworthy

Why do you think men have affairs? untrustworthy and chronic liars sex and intimacy, praise and emotional support

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? motels/hotels 3 - 4 times per week randomly

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? yes, all of them - they thought I was crazy and being self-destructive

How did your relationship begin? A drunken kiss on a works night out

How long did it last? It is still ongoing and has been for 10 months

How did it end? It hasn't, we have both tried several times but always gone back for more

Would you do it again? If i manage to end this one i wouldn't do it again. Too much heartache

Had he done it before? He said he had kissed other women and has recentley confessed to one night stands before me, but he says he has never had a relationship with anyone else whilst married and i believe him.

Did he have any kids? He has two kids a 3yr old and a 1 yr old. They are his reason for not leaving

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? I don't know her but have seen her once from a distance. She has phoned me after reading a text message on her husbands phone but he talked his way out of it.

Did you ever contact his wife? have never and wouldn't contact her.

Did he spend a lot of money on you? No not really apart from paying for hotle rooms, meals, drinks etc

What did he promise you? Nothing.

Did you want to get married or just have the affair? At first it was just fun but now i would love him to leave her and spend the rest of his life with me.

Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing? Yes sometimes. More so for his kids.

Are you still in contact with him? Yes

Did you have an abortion or a child with him? No

Did you date others while you were seeing him? Yes but he wasn't happy about it.

What advice would you give someone contemplating having an affair? Dont do it, too much heartache. Even if you think you are in it just for sex you will get attached and it will hurt at christmas and new year etc when you are on your own.

What advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair? Leave him. If my partner was telling another women the things he tells me i would be devestated. He puts his wife down and tells me how much he loves me, fantasises about me when he's with her etc. It's the ultimate betrayal.

Why do you think men have affairs? Sometimes because they're not happy, sometimes to boost their ego's. Just for the thrill of it.

Where, how often and how regularly did you meet? We go all over for nights out away from our home town. Whenever he can get away, usually mid week on the pretence of a business meeting.

Did you tell friends or relatives about it? Friends but not family. Shocked, appalled, excited for me.

What did you learn from this experience? Never to get involved with a married man again. People think that only the wife suffers but i know that ultimately i will be the one that loses out of all this. I am in love with someone who i can never have and i know it will end as soon as she finds out.

How did your relationship begin? It started out as a friendship. Two people who enjoyed each other's company -- we laughed a lot, joked and have similar backgrounds so had a strong mental connection and understanding of the others needs. There was also a strong physical attraction which hasn't abated and a mutual need for emotional attachment and expression within a relationship.

How long did it last? Between 4 and 4 1/2 years.

How did it end? Suddenly. He had decided to seek counselling for himself, but prior to resolving any of his issues revealed the long term relationship to his wife when directly asked if he was having an affair. His way of dealing with the situation was to decide that he couldn't see or talk to me again in order to resolve working out his issues. He is in the process of rationalising that the reason we were together was just because we both had emotional needs that were not being met. He is trying to see if he can get at home (from his wife) what he got from me in our relationship - even though the dynamic of who they are and their relationship is the same.

Would you do it again? I don't know. I don't think I ever saw myself as I grew up being "the other woman". It wasn't on my list of things to do or be. I probably wouldn't do it again as it is painful due to the loss of the friendship and relationship -- particularly as the other woman doesn't have a say or any rights when it comes to the relationship being ended. It is also very isolating because you loose your friend and lover at the same instant.

Had he done it before? No, he admitted that he had been with another person on one occasion and admitted the relationship to his wife. They had reconciled after that. The relationship with me came some years later in another long emotional dead patch in their relationship. I believed him and don't doubt the honesty of his disclosure.

Did he have any kids? He has two children -- late primary to early high school. He has indicated that he doesn't want to hurt the kids or lose them. He is scared to leave for fear of hurting his kids and equates staying married in order to be there "for the kids".

Did you know his wife before you got involved or did you get to know her? I didn't know her when we began the relationship, but did meet her a number of times during our relationship. I did get to know her a bit but tried to keep a distance because of the relationship I was having with Adam. I could see that we were complete contrasts and the very different dynamic of their relationship. He was a very different person at home to how he was with me -- much more expressive and exuberant in the relationship with me (and similar in his interation with his kids) but they (wife and Adam) appeared very cold together -- I got the sense that there isn't a strong physical attraction (although I would be a fool not to acknowledge they would still have been having a physical relationship). They appear to be more housemates rather than partners/lovers.

Did